A while ago, I wrote a blog post about how the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. These days, I’m completely going back on that idea. Right now, it is impossibly hard to convince me that there aren’t a lot of people out there with much greener grass than mine.
I know that in some ways, my grass is greener. I have a pretty amazing and supportive husband who I actually like being married to. I have a good job, some financial security, and a loving family. Unlike a lot of people, I really know who my friends are – the people who I know I can count on, who support me and have my back even when it’s not easy to do. But when it comes to expanding our family, my grass could not be less green. And it seems like everyone around me gets to have it so much easier.
I know that I’m not supposed to compare my life to others, but right now I’m a bit trapped in this comparison dynamic. It’s hard not to be. I don’t think anyone could argue that our journey to add children to our family has been incredibly difficult. It seems that we have to fight for it harder than just about anyone else I know, which is hard enough to take. But when I sit back and see it come so easily to so many others, it is a very hard pill for me to swallow.
When something that you’re forced to really truly fight for comes so easily to people around you, it forces you to ask a lot of very uncomfortable questions.
Why them and not me? It is always the first on the list of questions. I have had a lot of times throughout my loss and infertility journey where I’ve seriously battled with my own self-worth. Every time I think I’m past it, I see someone else stumble into parenthood, barely even trying to get there. It’s hard not to start wondering whether you’re just completely unworthy of the privilege.
Why does it get to be so easy for everyone else? I wouldn’t wish my struggle on anyone. I would never want anyone to have as much difficulty as we’ve had in bringing a healthy, living child into this world. At the same time, I have to admit that it really bothers me when people have it so easy. Those people who “try” for a month or just wing it to see if it will work – that’s hard for me to watch unfold. I know that they appreciate their pregnancy and children, but I don’t think they can really appreciate how easily it came to them or how much harder it could have been.
Will it ever finally be my turn? We passed from saying “when we have another child” to “if we have another child” a long time ago. I have to admit that passing into the world of “if” is something that’s still very hard for me to accept.
When will life start balancing out a little more? No one knows more than I do (except maybe Gordon) that life is exceptionally unfair. I keep waiting for the time when things will even out a little – not a lot, just a little. And I always seem to get another round of heartache, so you’d think I’d learn to stop expecting it to happen.
I don’t like comparing my life to others, especially when they are being handed something that I am desperate for, and I certainly don’t like asking myself these uncomfortable questions every time it happens. I avoid it as much as I can, but there is only so much I can do. Sadly, I’m getting kind of used to it.