Today, our oldest daughter turns 3. There will be no party.
No blowing out the candles. No gifts for her to open. We’ve been through this
day before, so you’d think we’d know what to expect. But this year is
different.
This year, we have her baby sister in our arms. There is no
doubt that she has brought joy and light to our lives that we desperately
needed. You couldn’t find a child
that is more wanted than Ellie – we certainly had to work hard and take
unexpected paths to get her here. And we love her more than words can say.
But (you knew there would be a but), her arrival has raised
some very complicated emotions. Ones that I’ve been struggling with since she
arrived. And Vivienne’s birthday emphasizes them much more strongly.
I recognize that most of the people around us want us to be
“fixed” and fully expect that having Ellie means that we are completely healed
from Vivienne. After all, one child easily replaces another, right? When you
have a living child, then have another, you don’t stop loving and parenting
your oldest, and it’s the same even when the oldest isn’t here. I still grieve Vivienne even as I celebrate Ellie.
Every activity we do with Ellie brings me happiness. But
with every activity, there is an undercurrent of sadness. When we took our
first walk, gave the first bath, saw the first smile, did the first midnight
feeding, our first thoughts are about how happy we are that she is here to do
these things with. And our second thoughts are how sad we are that we never got
to do any of these with Vivienne. It’s always there – the sadness behind the
smile. And it will be there for every first and many seconds, thirds, fourths.
. .
And this all leads to one big realization that I had after
Ellie was born. If Vivienne had lived, she wouldn’t be here. I have 2 children,
but there is no path I could have taken in this life to have them both with me.
If Vivienne had lived, there would be no Ellie. And because Ellie lives, there
is no Vivienne. I was given no choice for which child I would get to keep,
which I suppose is a good thing. I love them both too much to choose which one
to raise. But it breaks my heart to think that my life path has that fork in
the road. My life took the road to Ellie, and Vivienne is on a different path.
It’s a very complicated thought process to work through for a Mom. I don’t
think I’ll ever reconcile this thought – I can only hope that one day, I’ll
just accept it.
I was also so busy leading up to Vivienne’s birthday (a one
month old requires a lot of time) that I didn’t give her the time that she deserves.
I know all too well about this Mommy guilt, but you don’t know guilt until you
feel like you’re choosing one of your children over the other.
Typically, the week build up to Vivienne’s birthday is an
emotional time for me. This year, I didn’t feel it. Last night, I had the first
inklings of “OK, here we are. Another birthday without her.” I was just
sitting and watching TV and felt an emptiness. It’s a feeling I’m familiar
with, and there is both a comfort and unease in it. And the tears finally showed
up this morning as I fed Ellie her morning bottle. As I talked to her, I told
her that today was her big sister’s birthday. And I just started to cry and
couldn’t stop. Maybe I’d been holding in the tears and didn’t know it.
And so here we are again. Gifts for a 3 year old that go to
charity instead of our daughter. Singing “Happy birthday” through tears and
wondering who should blow out the candles. Wondering who she would be at 3
years old and what she would be like. But this year, we add Ellie to our
traditions – telling her all about her big sister and guardian angel. And thinking
about a life with a 3 year old and 1month old that can never be.
