New Year, Fresh Start?

I can’t tell you how many times in the last couple of weeks I’ve heard “you must be happy to have 2011 behind you!” (or some variation on that theme) And while it’s true that I am happy to start a new year, it doesn’t quite mean the fresh start that I know everyone hopes for.

2011 was a year of the highest highs and the lowest lows. It’s the year I found out I was pregnant, and the only time I got to spend here with my daughter. I spent much of the year so hopeful about what the future held and how our family would change by the end of it. It’s also, as you all know, the year that I lost her. It’s not only that I lost her, but all of the hope that she represented for our family.

But, the passing of the calendar to 2012 does not quite put the past in the past like we’d like. No date on the calendar will tell me when my grieving will be easier to bear or when it’s time to move on (whatever that means). There is no magic bullet that a new year can provide.

The passing into a new year was actually harder than I expected. There’s something about a new year that means more distance than a fresh start. The passing of time both helps and hurts. I’m now further away in time from my daughter, which makes me feel further away from her. That distance can be hard to swallow. It’s amazing how you can want to turn back the clock and fast forward to the future all at the same time. I suppose it’s the balance between moving on and letting go, and sometimes the difference between the two is hard to spot.

So to respond to those who wonder, sure, I’m happy to have a new year. But that doesn’t mean the impact of 2011 isn’t still there. I didn’t wake up on January 1^st and forget what happened in 2011. It’s a new year, but I still wake up with the same pain and sadness. I am hopeful for 2012, but it doesn’t erase the past. I know that 2012 will bring us many blessings, and we’re ready for them. But it will also be the year that I celebrate my daughter’s first birthday, without her. That’s the thing about time—even though the years change, those same days come back again and again.