It's not supposed to be so complicated

A little over a month after Vivienne died, I got the question I dreaded being asked. It’s so simple, and people ask it all of the time because who would ever consider that it would feel painful. “Do you have any kids?” I’m sure many of you have been asked this question and not thought twice about it. For me, it’s a dagger through the heart.

The first time I got the question, I hadn’t really prepared myself for how to answer it. It had only been a few weeks, and I was at the point where I was still telling the story to people who knew we were pregnant, and generally avoiding meeting anyone new, outside of loss groups. It came from someone I worked with previously who I hadn’t seen since I’d been pregnant. The question was innocent enough, and I managed to stammer through a response. Actually, we just lost our daughter, I responded. He said how sorry he was, and I said that I was still figuring out how to answer that question. That was met with “you answer that question with no, I don’t have any children.” I was immediately incensed at that response and told him, in no uncertain terms, that answer wouldn’t be true and it’s not how I answer the question. Things got awkward, and he walked away.

Based on that interaction, I came up with my scripted response, so I’d be ready the next time I was asked. I was so confident that I’d be prepared for it. It happened a couple of weeks ago (clearly I don’t meet new people that often). I was getting my hair cut, and my stylist (I go to a new one pretty much every time it gets cut) asked if we had any children. So much for preparation—I immediately felt uncomfortable and not sure what to do. I went to my script—we have a daughter who would be 9 months old, but she died shortly after she was born. Cue the discomfort, but I was glad I said it. I’ve promised myself that I’ll never deny Vivienne, no matter how uncomfortable it makes other people. As others have told me, they’re uncomfortable for about 5 minutes, and I live with it my whole life.

Cut to earlier this week. I’m preparing to change jobs—same company, just a different role. I was talking with someone who was gathering information for the announcement that would go out. I gave them all of the work details, then they said they wanted to include some personal details. I wasn’t sure what they wanted, so I just sat silent on the phone, knowing what was likely coming.

Are you married?

Me: Yes, my husband and I will celebrate our 2^nd anniversary next week.

Awkward silence, as I knew what was likely coming next. After several seconds of me not going into the kids/no kids discussion. . .

Any pets?

Me: Yes, we have a cat.

More awkward silence and I decide that’s enough.

Me: We have a daughter. She passed away.

This was followed by I’m sorry and asking what happened. When I finished explaining, he said “I don’t think we’ll put that in.”

And there it is. If she were alive, the announcement would say “Tracey, her husband Gordon, and daughter Vivienne.” But, she’s gone, and what should be a simple statement about children becomes a lot more complicated, so it just gets left out. I understand not including her in the announcement. I don’t like it, but I understand it. I’ve never denied my daughter, and I never will, but I do understand that it’s easier for others to do so. But anyone who asks should be prepared for the complicated answer because I’ll never say I don’t have children.

It's such a simple question, with no simple answers.