Thank God

I’ve written in this blog before about coming to terms with God and my faith through the loss of my daughter. My therapist tells me that this is my time to decide what my faith is for me, not what I’ve been taught by my parents and church. Every time I feel like I’m making progress with it, another question comes up to set me back.

I have tried harder than I can tell you to come up with an explanation of my daughter’s death that doesn’t have me blaming God. So when people tell me there’s a reason for everything or losing her is part of a greater plan that I don’t understand, I get angry. Those are explanations that force me to lay my daughter’s dead body at the feet of God and ask why He did this. That is not how I want to define my faith.

After some reading, much thought and introspection, I arrived at the conclusion that God doesn’t control everything. This isn’t an idea I was raised with, but it makes sense to me. A loving God (which is what I believe) would never put His children through this to make a point, to teach a lesson, or to get them from point A to point B. You can’t watch the news for more than 5 minutes before you have to accept that there is evil in this world. If God controlled everything, there would be logic and reason, and people would get what they deserve, good or bad. That is certainly not the world we live in.

So my latest aggravation in this area is hearing people give credit to God for their blessings and living children. I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. I am certainly not against people being thankful for their blessings – honestly, I believe that more people take them for granted than appreciate them. And I’m not against people being thankful to God. But, let me tell you what I hear when this happens.

When someone says “the baby is healthy, thank God!” I start to ask “you gave them a healthy baby, why not me?”

 When someone says “God answers prayers!” I wonder why God could answer their prayers, but not mine. (on occasion, people make me feel like I didn’t pray hard enough for my daughter – I’m sure you can imagine how that makes me feel without having me explain it)

When someone says “I put my faith in God, and He gave me what I needed” I think about how I put my faith in God and got the worst heartbreak I can imagine.

When a child many thought wouldn’t survive pulls through, people say “believe in miracles!” All I can think is that God thought enough to get involved and save that child, but not mine. My child wasn’t worthy of miraculous intervention.

It’s hard not to feel like a heathen for questioning why we thank God. In hindsight, it was so much easier for me to get to a place where I could accept that bad things happen and they aren’t God’s fault. Turns out, it’s harder to accept that good things happen that aren’t God’s fault either. I had faith, prayed, and believed in miracles. My daughter still died, and I don’t believe it’s God’s fault. So if someone has faith, prays, and believes in miracles, and their daughter lives, is it to God’s credit? I just don’t know how to reconcile not blaming God for the bad stuff and still giving Him credit and thanks for the good stuff.