A Letter

Dear Vivienne,

Today is your first birthday. I don’t know how they do birthdays in heaven, but I hope you’re having an amazing party. I can see you there with your Grandpa, Aunt Ruth, and all of your great-grandparents. Your brothers and sisters are helping you celebrate too. And I’m sure you have some playmates, who I know through their parents, to get in on the party. I don’t know if they do birthdays like this in heaven, but it’s how I imagine it for you.

We’ll be celebrating you here too. There will be cake and balloons, and your Dad and I will blow out your candles. It probably won’t be as happy as your birthday party in heaven because we’ll be missing you so much, but it will be filled with as much love as possible.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since we’ve seen you. Bringing you into the world is the happiest and saddest moment of my life. We were so excited to have you join our family. We just couldn’t imagine that we’d have to say hello and goodbye to you all at once.

I hope that you know how very much you are loved. Even as a tiny baby, you have had more impact on our lives than anyone. You remind us every day how precious and fragile life is. Even though it’s supposed to be the other way around, you are teaching us every single day how to be better people.

I know it must be hard to see your parents in so much pain. We’re trying so hard to be strong and to honor you in every way we can. But there is no denying how much we miss you, and how very much we wish that things had turned out differently.

I wish there was more that we could have done to keep you safe. I wish the doctors would have understood the urgency and done more to give you more time. Even a year later, I find myself still wishing for a miracle. I wish I could turn back time and do a thousand things differently. If I could, I’m not sure I could ever find a way to let you go.

I know you’re always with us and looking out for us. I love every single sign that you send me to let me know you’re there. I hope you keep sending them, because they help when I’m missing you so much. I also hope we get to visit more in my dreams. I love to see your smiling face and to hear your giggle, even if it’s only for a moment.

I hope you know what a special girl you are, not just to your family but to many people. Your story has touched so many. You live on through kindness being passed from person to person. You are a message to all of us to cherish those we love and to do everything we can to make the world a kinder, more caring place. You are all love.

I have to go and set up a party for you, my precious baby girl. I hope that you enjoy your party in heaven, and that you can see everyone honoring you today through acts of kindness.

We will always carry you with us in our hearts. Never forget how much you are missed and loved. Right up to the moon and back.

Happy Birthday Vivienne! I love you and miss you, today and always.

Mommy