Two Weeks

It’s now 2 weeks until Vivienne’s birthday. Two weeks until we mark the day when our lives changed forever. I feel conflicted because I want that day to get here quickly, because then I won’t want to think about where I was a year ago. At the same time, I don’t want that day to come because right now, I can sit here and think about how a year ago I was happy. A year ago, I was hopeful. A year ago, it felt like our best times were still ahead of us.

Today marks the last ultrasound we had with Vivienne. It was the big 20 week ultrasound. Generally, it would be the time when parents find out if it’s a boy or a girl, but we already knew that. All we wanted to hear was that she was healthy. She was stubborn in that ultrasound, but she was healthy. She refused to show her face to the doctor, and he wouldn’t let us go until she did. She burrowed deep back around my spine and would not come out or turn around no matter how much I lay on my side or poked at her. After a little walk, she finally showed her face. The doctor proclaimed her perfect. We went on our way thinking we had passed all of the tests. We were halfway there.

That last ultrasound makes me smile, because it’s one of the few events where we got a peek at Vivienne’s personality. We wondered whether she would be shy (which she’d get honestly from her mother) or really stubborn (which she’d get honestly from both of her parents). We got to see a glimpse of who she would be. This tiny little person who we loved (and still love) beyond words, and who we will never get to know in this lifetime. We’ll never know what her personality would be. All that we have are these little clues she left us while we had her.

That last ultrasound is also source of pain for us. Because the doctor had difficulty seeing her face, we don’t have any good pictures from that last ultrasound. At the time, we commented on that making us sad, but we assumed (as we all do) that we would get another chance. We had 20 weeks to go – there would be more ultrasounds, and we would get more pictures. We did get pictures after she was born, but I find myself still wanting better pictures of that last perfect moment. That last moment we would see of her alive and healthy.

These next 2 weeks represent our last perfect days. Planning for Vivienne went into full swing. A baby shower started to come together. We started to do research for the baby registry and made our plans to register for everything she would need. We’d planned to go register on August 20^th – I went into labor the day before. We celebrated my birthday – my last birthday before I would have my first child. The last 2 weeks of hopes and dreams before our world completely shattered.

I’m not quite ready to let go of those happy and hopeful feelings of a year ago. But time doesn’t care if I’m ready or not. In 2 weeks, I won’t be able to look back on a year ago and remember a happy time. I will have to do my best to look forward, but somewhere inside, I’ll think about a year ago being the darkest time of my life. I’ll have to acknowledge that a year ago, it really felt possible to die from a broken heart.  A year ago, I did not know how I could possibly survive what had happened to us.

Maybe, on some level, I’ll be able to give myself some credit for how far I’ve come. I’ve spent the better part of the last year forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other and to keep going, even when I didn’t want to. Maybe passing the 1 year mark can be the start of just putting one foot in front of the other without feeling forced. I will never be able to put the past year behind me – it is a part of me and has made me who I am today. My daughter and the loss of my daughter is not something to move past or get over. But I hold out hope that this will mark the time when I can feel myself moving forward with a focus on all that this last year has taught me. I guess time will tell.