Walking and Remembering

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I know that it’s a topic that people don’t like to think about – we like to think that medical advances have put us past a time where babies die. As much as we wish that to be true, it isn’t the case.  One in four women will experience the loss of a child through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, premature births, illness, and stillbirth. As you all know, I am that 1 in 4. Four times over.

October is filled with many events to honor and remember our children. Yesterday, Gordon and I were honored to organize and host such an event. The Walk to Remember has happened in Cleveland for several years, but this year, the family who sponsored and hosted it in the past had moved away. Gordon and I always look for ways to honor Vivienne by remembering her and helping others, and this seemed like an opportunity she was surely sending our way.

Yesterday, we honored 79 babies, represented in the hearts above. Grey skies and rain could not keep us from a day to remember our children. We read each baby’s name, knowing that behind each name was a child who changed a family and a community forever. I know that I am forever changed by being Vivienne’s Mom, and by being Mom to her 3 siblings. I’m also forever changed by reading and writing each of those 79 names and in knowing so many of their parents. It was an emotionally powerful day to gather with so many who understand the journey that comes with losing a child and to think of all of those children we will not get to know in this lifetime.

Last night, as I thought back on the day, I was struck by all of the emotions I was feeling. I thought about how different this gathering was from most social gatherings I go to these days. Generally, I feel awkward and uncomfortable at most social gatherings. Much of it has to do with being surrounded by pregnancy, babies, and small children, and with me being unsure of what to say to people.

But yesterday was different. I was still surrounded by pregnancy, babies, and small children, but it wasn’t uncomfortable for me. It wasn’t until late in the day that I realized it was because at this event, I was a Mom. Let’s be honest, most places I go, I’m the sad person that everyone wants to make sure is doing OK. But, because I don’t have a living child, most people do not think of me as a Mom. At an event to honor my children, and being with other Moms who understand, I am a Mom. And it’s amazing how much that washes my discomfort away.

I’ve also had a hard time reconciling why we stepped up to host this event. I do this for Vivienne and my other children, there is no doubt about that. But I have to think about whether that is really true, because let’s be honest – I can’t actually do anything for Vivienne or my children. They don't need anything from me. Hosting this walk doesn’t do anything for them – it does something for me. I desperately search for ways to parent my children, even though there really is no way that I can. In the end, the walk helps me more than my children. But I do get some solace that it was an event that helped others. And that is definitely a way that I can honor my children.

Next up in October remembrance month is Monday, October 15. At 7 pm, we ask that you light a candle for all of the babies gone too soon. Load your photo onto Facebook and tag any loss parents that you know. You can make their Facebook wall and newsfeed a ray of light for these parents who will grieve for their children for the rest of their lives. For one night, we see the light of our children played back to us by others. We see people remembering them and recognizing the impact they had on our lives, and that is an amazing gift for any Mom.