Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day – a day
to remember the children we’ve lost. As the day wore on, I have to admit I was
a bit overwhelmed by what I saw on Facebook. In the morning, it was all women
who had experienced the loss of a child talking about it. By the end of the
day, so many of my friends had joined in. Remembering and honoring the children
we’ve lost. It was really touching to see how far the message reached.
It may seem strange to some to have a day of remembrance. For
those of us who have experienced the tragic loss of a child, remembering
happens all of the time. There isn’t a day, or even a moment, that passes that
we don’t think about how much we miss them and love them.
We always fear, though, that others will forget our
children. When you have a living child, it’s something that doesn’t even cross your
mind because that child is there – people ask how they are, what they are up
to, what their new milestones are. When you lose a child, questions about them
pass after about a month. And eventually, fewer and fewer people will even say
their names. There are no new milestones, no birthdays, no school photos, and
no funny stories. For us, it is a day for others to join in remembering and to
remind us that our children are not forgotten – they have touched people’s
lives and made a difference. It is value for loss parents that is beyond
measure.
But this is also a day to break the silence. For reasons
that I cannot understand, talking about the children we’ve lost is a taboo
subject in most arenas. Apparently, it’s OK for me to talk about my deceased
grandparents and father, but when it comes to talking about my deceased
children, I’m supposed to keep that private.
Why can’t we talk about our children? I think it’s mostly
because it makes people uncomfortable – the thought of a baby dying isn’t
something people want to think about or discuss. So, if we just pretend like it
never happens, we can live in a more idyllic world where logic prevails and
babies don’t die. In this world, parents suffer in silence because people won’t
acknowledge the gravity of their loss and how life-changing it is. And while
I’d rather live in a world where I believe babies can’t die, I can’t live in
one where I can’t talk about my children because it makes someone
uncomfortable.
Another reason we can’t talk about our children – it makes
people think that we can’t “let go” or “move on,” as if that is even possible. Somehow,
by saying our children’s names and remembering them, it makes people judge.
Even though these people have never experienced this loss, somehow they get an
opinion on the proper amount of time to grieve, and the right way to live your
life after you’ve lost a child. I’ve heard this saying often from other loss
Moms – you don’t get over it, you just get through it. There is no getting over
losing a child – it simply never happens. You do get through the grief, the
pain, and the days without them, but the love and longing is always there. They
are our children, whether they are here or not.
And so yesterday was a day to remember them and to say their
names. We didn’t have to worry about judgment or discomfort from others – we
had this official day to back us up. I was happy to see so many people join in
and support these families and remember their children. My hope is that this
acknowledgement can spill over into other days. We remember our children every
day of the year. Every so often, let a loss parent know that you do too. I
guarantee that you will make their day.
No comments:
Post a Comment