A Door Closes

On Friday, I had another surgery. We are hoping it’s the last one before a successful pregnancy, but time will tell I guess. I have to admit, I have some mixed feelings on this surgery. While I am mostly relieved that it’s done, and the doctor did as I asked, there is a small part of me that feels sad about it and sees it as another loss.

This surgery was to remove my fallopian tubes. I was pretty clear going into this surgery that they needed to go. After 2 ectopic pregnancies, hydrosalpinx that caused no transfer in IVF #2, and inconclusive tests on them, I wanted them gone. They’ve been nothing but problems for me, and now that we’ve moved on to IVF, they are an unnecessary organ. So, as I would with an appendix, I said just get rid of the problem. And the doctor did.

I am mostly relieved that they are gone. They were getting in the way of expanding our family, and now they can’t anymore. There is no more risk of another ectopic pregnancy, so I never have to have that scare again. And I won’t have to worry about them causing problems as we move onto a frozen embryo transfer.

But I have to admit that I also feel a little sadness about it. The removal of the tubes means I’ll never get pregnant on my own. Pregnancy will never be a “surprise” or “we didn’t expect it” miracle for us. It will always require some pretty significant medical intervention. It will always be very planned, very clinical, and always have a doctor present. And there is a sadness that comes with that.

I know that must sound strange, since we’ve already moved on to IVF. I accepted long ago that medical intervention was necessary for us to expand our family. I moved onto fertility treatments without hesitation. But, there’s always been that thought in the back of my head that maybe it will just happen on its own. That thought is impossible now, and letting go of it feels like yet another loss.

And so we close the door on ever getting pregnant on our own or having an unexpected pregnancy. It’s a necessary step in order to move on to the ways that can expand our family and give us the greatest chance of success. But it is a door closing nonetheless, and that brings some degree of sadness. 

I don’t plan to focus on this closed door for long, since I know there is a window opening that needs my attention. But, a door has still closed, which must be acknowledged and grieved. And then, we move on.