Hope is Still Alive

I started writing this post a few days ago, with a different title. The original title was “Enough is Never Enough” since that was how I was feeling at the time. But a few days later, and some new news, and I can say that I’ve shifted my viewpoint. Hope is still alive.

I was hoping that it would be a couple of months until I wrote about IVF #2 in this blog. That came from the hope that it would be successful, and we’d be waiting to announce a pregnancy here in a couple of months. But, that wasn’t how IVF #2 went, and instead we waited to find out what it all meant.

We made it further in IVF #2 than IVF #1, but still not to the finish line. This time, we made it through egg retrieval, which is a huge hurdle. That part of IVF #2 went well this time. My body listened to the medications (too well, actually, as I was at risk for hyperstimulation), and held on through retrieval. They were able to get 14 eggs, which is a great number. 12 of them were considered mature, and 7 fertilized and made it to the freezer on day 3. So now, we have 7 little embryos waiting for us in a freezer at our doctor’s office – a surreal thought for both of us.

But, that is as far as we were able to go this cycle. The 7 little embryos had to go to the freezer because a transfer was not possible. My lining still wasn’t getting thick enough, and there was some concern over fluid in my uterus and my tubes. We had to cancel transfer and do another test to determine whether we would ever be able to transfer these embryos into my uterus, or whether we needed to move on to surrogacy.

It was yet another make-or-break test for us. The build up to that test was incredibly stressful and weighed heavily on both of us. This test would tell us whether I’d be able to carry another child or if I needed to close that door and move on to other options. I’ve been told by a few friends that it’s time for me to move on to those other options. I’m sure on the outside looking in, it’s easy to say that it’s time for us to move on. It’s hard for me to explain how difficult it is to close the door on ever carrying another child. I believe in my heart that carrying a child and bringing them into the world successfully is a necessary part in my healing and ability to find peace with my body. I know that’s hard for others to understand, but please know that I know it’s the right thing for me. I will not let that go until I have done absolutely everything I can do to make it happen. Only when the doctors tell me it’s no longer an option will I move on.

And so the make-or-break test was Friday. This test would tell us whether my lining had permanent damage and we would have to close the door on carrying a child, or whether we were still in the game. The good news that kept hope alive for us, is that there does not appear to be damage to my lining. So we can now move on to some other options to thicken my lining to make a comfy home for one of those 7 embryos.

The other thing this test looked at was my fallopian tubes to determine if there was a blockage or issue that was causing the fluid to build up (a condition known as hydrosalpinx). This part of the test was inconclusive, and so we go on to another procedure this week to get a better look at the tubes and potentially remove at least one of them. It sounds more drastic than it is. Given where we are in this process, my tubes have become an unnecessary appendage, like an appendix. I’d actually prefer that they take them out, since they’ve been nothing but problems.

And so, off we go to another procedure, and then onto a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) with one of our frozen embryos. A few days ago, all I could see was yet another rare diagnosis, more tests and procedures, and a potential end to our dream of me carrying a child, and that felt like enough is never enough. But today, I can see another procedure, and then a chance to try again. And so while IVF #2 didn’t get us all the way there, hope is still alive.