Out of Control

I’m a pretty Type A person. I like to be organized and to feel in control. I make lists and cross things off to feel accomplished. I don’t like to lose things or forget them. I am almost never late for anything. Everything goes on my calendar—work, personal, and fun plans (I actually have 3 calendars).  For the past 6 and a half months, I have never felt more out of control of my life.

Pregnancy was a huge test for me in my ability to control anything, but I seized control of as much as I could. I read books, and I researched everything I should and could do to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I went to my doctor’s appointments like clockwork with a list of questions for her to answer. I actually went into my very first doctor’s appointment at 8 weeks with a list of questions that started with fetal monitoring and c-sections. The nurses laughed at me for how long I had before I'd need those answers, but I wanted to be prepared. Deep down inside, I know this came from trying to control the uncontrollable. I wanted to feel like I had a hand in a positive outcome.

Any illusion of control that I had was taken away on August 19^th. I don’t feel like I can control much of anything anymore, which is really hard for me to deal with. I can read and research all I want, but at the end of the day, my entire life feels very much out of my hands. I cannot control my sadness, or sometimes any of my emotions. I can’t control whether I get another shot to have a living child or not.

My husband and I have talked about how this is maybe one of the lessons that we’re supposed to take from losing Vivienne—that we’ll never have the kind of control over things that we’d like. But, what am I supposed to do with that lesson? Just put everything out for the fates or God to decide and wait for the outcome to happen? That feels a lot like letting someone else live my life.

So how do you let go and still feel like you’re taking charge of your life? How do I release control and not feel like I’m just letting life happen to me? I know that there’s got to be a happy medium in there somewhere, but hard as I try, this control freak just can’t find it.