The Power of Prayer?

I’m thinking a lot about prayer—what we pray for, how prayers get answered, and how to pray. Before Vivienne, I would pray a lot. They weren’t always the traditional prayers that I think of in church. A lot of the time, they were more conversations that I had with God—talking about things I needed help with or things I hoped for. Since her death, it’s been hard for me to pray. Oftentimes, I wonder if anyone is really listening and what the point is.

When I was pregnant with Vivienne, I prayed harder than I ever have in my life. Just about every day, I got on my knees (which was not the norm for me) and prayed for her to be healthy. I was always scared that something would happen to her, and so I prayed. The prayer generally went the same “nothing else matters if she isn’t healthy.” When I had other things to pray about, I would even prioritize them for God—the others are nice to have, but a healthy baby was always the most important.

I have to admit that I feel kind of foolish about those prayers. I’ve even had the feeling that maybe I wasn’t specific enough for God—I prayed for a healthy baby, but I didn’t pray for a healthy LIVING baby. How ridiculous is it to feel that God caught me in a technicality?

The last prayer I said for quite some time came on the night Vivienne died. After all of the medical trauma was done, and Gordon went home to get us fresh clothes and toothbrushes (we hadn’t planned on being there for the night), I laid in my hospital bed and had my chat with God. I told Him that I could not pretend to understand why this was happening, but I needed my daughter to be safe. So I asked Him to welcome her into Heaven and to take good care of her until I could see her again.

After that, it would be a while before I attempted to pray again. I had lots of conversations with God, but they were more in anger and frustration than in prayer. I yelled and I screamed, but I didn’t pray. Every time I would think of something to pray about, the first thought in my mind was always the same—what’s the point?

Recently, there was a bunch of news around Gisele Bundchen and her requests for prayers for the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl. It’s what made me cheer for the Giants, because if I thought for even a second that God answered prayers like that and not my prayers for a healthy baby, I really wasn’t sure how I would react. I have to wonder how God chooses which prayers to grant, and which get the “sorry, it’s just not your day” response. I know He can’t grant them all, but healthy baby vs. dead baby feels like one that should get attention.

I’m trying really hard to pray these days, but I pray very differently than I used to. I no longer ask God for things, because I can’t believe that He has complete control over everything anymore. I pray for strength most of the time—asking God to help me be strong to survive the loss of Vivienne. But I don’t pray for another baby, for God to save someone who is sick, or for God to grant me any blessings. Maybe it’s wrong to think that God can’t control it all. But I can’t come up with any other explanation for why my prayers for a healthy baby went unanswered.

I tell a lot of people that I pray for them, and I do. But I can’t always pray for what they ask me to pray for. Most of my prayers now are that God be with the people suffering and give them strength. I now believe that this is what God can do for us—give us what we need to get through the situation we are faced with, because He can’t always fix it.