Say Their Names

There is a quote from Elizabeth Edwards that I think of often.

“If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."

I have a special place in my heart for the people who say Vivienne’s name. Those who talk about her openly and don’t act like she’s a topic to avoid. It seems like most are comfortable talking with me about my grief and my bad days, but saying her name feels like too much. I don’t know why that is, but I just want to say that it doesn’t have to be that way.

Does the mention of my daughter’s name make me tear up and miss her? Sure, but I miss her all of the time, and there are things of much less importance that make me cry. The mention of her name reaffirms her for me. A loss parent is always worried that the world has somehow forgotten their child. The people who say her name remind me that she isn’t forgotten, and that her life, while short, mattered.

I know it must be hard for people to do, because what would they say? I don’t have new firsts to talk about with Vivienne. I’m not watching her first laughs, when she rolled over, and when she’ll start to crawl. I don’t have new things to report about her. I find that the best things that people can say are simple. “I thought of Vivienne today.” “You, Gordon, and Vivienne are in my prayers.” “I hugged my kids a little longer for Vivienne.” It doesn’t have to be a big proclamation—just something small that reminds me that my daughter’s life has meaning, that she was here, and she made a difference for people.

So, I’d like to take a moment to say the names of the children who have made a difference for me. I take lessons from each of their deaths through their parents, and they are all very dear to me. I like to think of them as Vivienne’s playmates in heaven.

Y David     Y Kayla Y Max Y Joy Y Dylan  Y Reese Y Areila   Y

Y Lewicki Angels  Y Elias  Y Cadeau Y Luciole  Y Aspen  Y 

 Y   Addison   Y Lorelai Y Madison  Y Adalyn  Y Michael Y 

  Y  Gavin    Y Angelica    Y Caitlyn Y Hunter  Y Annaya      Y

And of course, my sweet Vivienne, who I still learn from every single day.