The Grass is Probably Purple

A couple of days after Vivienne died, Gordon and I were driving somewhere, probably to run some errand we came up with to force ourselves out of the house. I remember sitting in the car, watching other cars go by and thinking “none of these people know that our daughter just died.”  And then I started to wonder what their stories were.

As I’ve been dealing with Vivienne’s death, I’ve come to appreciate that everyone is carrying something around with them. Most of the people we see, and even some of our closest friends, are dealing with things we cannot see or understand. Everything looks fine on the outside, but we really have no idea what they are dealing with, or struggling with, on the inside. I think the saying that “the grass is always greener on the other side” is wrong. I think the grass on the other side is purple, or some other color you’d never expect. We have no idea what that person’s story is, what burden they carry around with them, or how long they’ve carried it.

I still have those moments of standing in a room of strangers thinking “none of these people know that my daughter died.” I wonder whether there are other people in the room who are having the same thought. When I see a pregnant woman or someone with an infant, I work through the jealousy and bitterness that I feel by reminding myself that she might have lost a baby too. She might be standing there thinking “everyone thinks I’m a happy new Mom, but I miss my baby,” and no one knows.

There have been countless moments over the past few months where it strikes me that I’m feeling or going through something that no one in the room knows about. In January, I had my first miscarriage, which I knew a couple of days before would be coming. I went to work that day, and I remember so clearly sitting in meetings all day thinking “no one in this room knows that I’m having a miscarriage right now.” It’s kind of a bizarre feeling to be dealing with something so big, while trying to go on with the needs of everyday life.

It’s impossible to really know what’s going on in someone’s life. We might think they are so lucky and that their grass really is greener, but no one has a perfect life. We all have something that we’re struggling with, sometimes quietly just to ourselves and sometimes out loud in a blog. But, we all have something. I remind myself of that all of the time and try to be gentler and kinder with people. When people find out what I’m going through, that’s how they usually respond. I should do the same with others, whether I know their struggle or not. I think the world would be a better place if we all recognized that everyone is dealing with something, and we were all a little kinder in helping people cope with their burdens.