Life Doesn't Play Fair

Remember when we were little and if there was something we wanted and couldn’t have, our parents would tell us that “life isn’t fair”? I never knew how true that statement was.

Since we lost Vivienne, and the 2 babies after her, a lot of people have told us how unfair it all is. For a while, I accepted that at face value. But lately, it’s making me angry. It isn’t fair, and what am I supposed to do with that?

I’ve always believed that if you’re a good person, then good things happen to you. You get what you give. Karma. Whatever you want to call it. I know I’m not perfect, but I certainly can’t think of anything that I’ve done where losing my daughter is the appropriate equalizer. I try to be a good person. Turns out, that doesn’t mean that good things happen to you.

As I look at the world around me, I see how life isn’t fair all of the time. I now know so many women who have lost a child or who struggle with infertility, then I turn on the news and see how Snooki is pregnant (it pains me to even type that), or I look through the guide on my TV and see 10 back to back episodes of 16 and Pregnant. Nothing says life’s not fair quite like that. Here my husband and I are—in our 30’s, financially secure, as emotionally mature as we’re going to get, with so much love and support to give a child. And this unfair life keeps taking our children away. Meanwhile, there are people out there who have children they aren’t ready for, children they don’t even want, or some who abuse the ones they have. Life isn’t fair.

So what do I do what that fact? You can try to be a good person, be prepared before taking on something important like having a child, and do everything you’re supposed to do to make sure the baby is healthy. And it doesn’t matter. In the end, we don’t get what we give, we get what we get. There are bad people in this world that have good things happen to them, and good people who get the shaft. It’s unfair, and it sucks.

I’m really struggling with reconciling this cold hard fact. It can make you wonder why we should even try to be good and responsible. If, at the end of the day, it’s just random whether we get good or bad in return, why try? I don’t want to sound like I’ve given up on being a good person, and I’m about to start my life of selfishness and crime. But think about it—if you can try to do everything right, and it can still turn out bad, it has to make you wonder why you even try at all.

And that’s what makes me angry. I believe the world should be that you get what you give. When you are kind, you get kindness in return. When you do good things, you get some of that good in return. When you try as hard as you can to do the right thing, it works out. But that’s not how it goes. So when you’ve tried so hard, and life has knocked you down repeatedly, where do you find the motivation to try again and believe it will turn out differently? I’m feeling pretty lost on this one. I get it—life isn’t fair. But you know that other saying—life’s a bitch. I believe that one too.