Rainbows

I remember hearing a friend talk about losing her Mom, and the significance she saw in fireflies. Whenever she saw them, it made her feel like her Mom was close to her. After Vivienne died, I longed to have something, some symbol, that would make me feel a connection to her, like she’s sending me a message from heaven.

I thought about this a lot in the days and weeks after we lost her. Often when I did, a song that was popular at the time would come on the radio. It took me some time, but I finally took the message from the first verse.

Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother

She’ll know I’m safe with You

When she stands under my colors.

Oh, and life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no,

Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby.

The sharp knife of a short life.

It’s from the song “If I Die Young” by the band Perry. It was a pretty popular song around the time that Vivienne died, so I heard it a lot. I took my sign that this was the symbol I was looking for—that rainbows would be a message from my daughter.

I didn’t know it then, but there is special significance to the rainbow in the loss community. Children that come after loss are commonly called our “rainbows.” Someone once told me that, in mythology, rainbows represent a bridge from heaven to earth (I looked it up and it’s true). Everything I saw and heard reinforced the sign that the rainbow is a connection to my daughter.

And so it’s a symbol that I hold dear. Our Vivienne Bear (www.mollybears.com) has a rainbow on its chest. My ringtone is “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” It is Vivienne’s special symbol, and one that helps me feel close to her.

When I have a tough day, I’ll say “Lord, send me a rainbow,” and I have to say, He usually does. Not always in the traditional ways we would expect, but I keep my eyes and ears open for it, and I find it. Often, it’s a picture of a rainbow that someone posts on Facebook—they don’t know that it’s the sign I’m always looking for, but there it is. Sometimes, I hear it in a song. And sometimes, it just shows up somewhere unexpected. I remember being in the doctor’s office once—laying on the table for yet another exam. As I looked at the ceiling, I saw that the light made a rainbow for me to focus on—a special message from my daughter. I love each of these unexpected ways that God and Vivienne send me rainbows. My response is always the same—message received baby girl, thank you.

While I love every one of these messages from my daughter, I have to admit, I’m longing for a real rainbow. Every day, I search the sky. I know that rainbows aren’t an everyday kind of thing, which is another reason I love it. When I see them, they are special messages from Vivienne and mean so much more. Some day soon, I’ll get that real rainbow (hopefully many times over the coming years). Until then, I’ll take my messages from Vivienne however she wants to send them. Each unexpected message lets me know she’s with us. Message received baby girl, thank you!