The Elephant in the Room

I’ve never been a very out-going person. That’s how introversion goes—I’m more on the shy side, especially when it comes to large social gatherings. I’ve always gotten a bit of anxiety about these things, and it’s only gotten worse since Vivienne died. There’s a lot more anxiety build up to social events, and it mainly comes down to 1 thing—will anyone talk about it or not.

Let’s face it, I walk into most rooms carrying a big giant elephant with me, and I always wonder if anyone will say anything about it. It creates a lot of anxiety for me, because I’m not really sure what to do about it. Should I bring it up to put people (and myself) at ease? I’ve tried that, and generally, I just make people uncomfortable. Turns out a lot of people don’t bring Vivienne up because they don’t want to, not because they don’t know how. So most of the time, I stay quiet and wait to see if they will bring it up. On occasion they do, but the general rule of thumb is that we can talk about anything else.

It’s not that I feel the need to talk about our loss all of the time—that’s not my expectation. But, I’m just not sure how to respond to small talk when I’m dealing with something so big. When people ask “how are you?” (and in the tone of saying hello, not in the tone of really wanting to know), do I respond honestly with “still crying every day!” That’s probably not going to help the conversation along. I can’t really say “I’m OK” either. I usually respond with “I’m hanging in there.” It’s the best I can come up with to not make people uncomfortable and also not lie. If it’s not “how are you?” then it’s “what’s new?” Um...daughter is still dead. Still devastated and coping. What’s new with you? You see how this can go.

I know that people worry about saying something to me—for fear of saying the wrong thing or afraid they’ll make me cry. I have to admit—I’ve heard a lot of the wrong things to say. Yes, it’s hard. But, at least I know those people are trying, and that helps. Loss Moms really differ on how they feel about this, but for me, I’d rather someone say the wrong thing with good intentions than say nothing at all. And if you’re worried about making me cry, please know that everything makes me cry—including people saying nothing at all. I recently went to a social gathering where there were people I had not seen since before Vivienne died. No one said a word to me about her. And afterwards, I went to my car and cried. It hurts both ways, but at least if someone says something, then I can feel some comfort, rather than crying alone in my car.

Sometimes, though, someone does the right thing, and it really makes an impression. I was recently at another social event and saw a friend I don’t see very often. We did the small talk, and then she apologized for never having said anything to me about Vivienne. I know it must have been hard for her to do, but I really appreciate that she did. And then she told me how much she loves us and that Vivienne will never be forgotten. She had tears in her eyes and so did I. It was so simple and so perfect. I know it wasn’t an easy conversation to have, but it meant a lot to me, and I feel closer to her because of it.

There is nothing about losing a child that is easy, and it affects every part of your life. I know that most of the people I interact with are new to this too (or at least they think they are because no one they know has talked about it before), so it isn’t easy for anyone. Losing Vivienne has made me much more aware of what other people are going through, and I make more of an effort to ask real questions to try to understand. I know that I appreciate it so much when people do that for me. I think it’s nice when you can move beyond the small talk and talk about real things, even if they are painful. We all carry some weight on our shoulders. Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to worry about the elephant in the room? If someone asked “how are you?” and we could answer honestly? My natural introversion, I’ll never get over, but if I could not have the anxiety of “will it come up or won’t it?” it would certainly make social engagements a little easier to bear.