Support

It sounds strange for me to write here that I feel like we’re lucky. We’ve had the worst thing I can imagine happen, so it’s hard to feel like we come out on the good side of the lucky equation, but in this way we do. Over the past 8 months, we’ve really seen what an amazing support system we have, and that makes us pretty lucky.

Let’s start with family. I’ve heard some pretty bad horror stories at how families have handled the loss of a baby. From parents who don’t count those lost children as part of their grandchildren (they say they have no grandchildren when they should say they have 1) to not recognizing important days throughout the year like holidays and their birthdays. We’ve had none of this. Vivienne has Grandparents who count her, who all have candles, photos, and a framed poem for her in their homes. On Christmas, she had a tree covered in ornaments given to her by relatives and stockings with her name on them. In my Mom’s frame of all of her grandchildren, there is a picture of Vivienne front and center. My Father in Law made a special frame for a poem that hangs in our house and theirs. And my nephew sent me a note once about how my great nieces talk about their cousin Vivienne who is an angel in heaven. She is a member of our family, and everybody sees that, which makes us pretty lucky.

Then there are our friends. Again, I’ve heard the horror stories of “friends” telling people who have lost a child that they should be over it, that their grieving is inappropriate or even gruesome, and friends who disappear because it’s just too sad, and they can’t handle it. We’ve had a little bit of that, but not very much. For the most part, people check in to see how we’re doing, tell us that they think of us and Vivienne, and that they are doing what they can to understand what we’re going through. No one has ever told me it’s time to move on or that they think how I’m managing through losing Vivienne is wrong (I’m sure there are some who think it, but they’re kind enough not to say anything). Again, that makes us pretty lucky.

And then there are the long lost friends we only see on Facebook or email. They don’t know much about our lives these days, but they still send us nice thoughts, and many have made generous donations to our March of Dimes Walk in Vivienne’s memory. It feels good to know that she’s touched the hearts of so many people.

And I can’t forget the people who came with “support” in their job description, all of the people in our support groups, both online and in person. They are the ones who understand, tell me what I’m feeling is normal, and give me hope that there are some good days ahead. When I am having a bad day (which happens more often than I like to admit), they are the ones I reach out to, and they are ALWAYS there to listen, send their good thoughts, and let me know I’m not alone. I’ve been lucky to find some really amazing women through these groups who have helped show me the way through the darkness.

But most of all, there’s my husband, who is my main source of support. You might be surprised to hear that I’ve heard horror stories about the husbands too. The ones who won’t talk about the baby or the loss, who don’t know what to do when we’re crying, or who just want to move on and leave the past in the past. Nothing could be further from the truth for us. I know he’d do anything to change what’s happened and fix my sadness, but he also respects that it can’t be fixed. He shows what an amazing Father he is everyday—protecting his daughter and her memory. He listens to me talk, holds me when I cry, listens when I get mad and vent, and understands more than anyone else can what it’s like to walk our path.

Losing Vivienne is without question the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, and I’ll continue to work my way through this for the rest of my life. But I am lucky that there are so many people around to support me in that journey. All of the kind, supportive words have meant more than I could possibly say and help me to get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, and try to move forward as best I can. And when I fall down, which I do, I know that one or more of these people will be there to help pick me back up.

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If you're interested in donating to the March of Dimes March for Babies in memory of Vivienne,  you can donate at www.marchforbabies.org/forvivienne