Forgetting

I know that there are a lot of people out there (mostly people not reading this blog) who think I’m doing fine. I smile, I laugh, I go to work, and I keep up appearances. I understand that the loss of Vivienne isn’t part of anyone else’s everyday life, except for my husband and me, and to some degree our families. So, to a lot of people, they don’t even think about it anymore when they see me. If I’m smiling and seem to be moving forward, then it just doesn’t hit the radar screen.

I sat through a meeting yesterday, where the small talk at the beginning centered on a coworker I don’t know. Apparently, this person had a child born premature, who had to have a lot of surgeries, but ultimately, the child lived. I sat and listened to people casually discuss it, then call it “tragic.” I can guarantee that no one in that room (except for maybe 1 person) even thought about how I would take this conversation. Despite the fact that every single person in that room knows that Vivienne was born premature, and she died, it didn’t enter into conscious thought for any of them. Because I sit there, smile, and participate in the work discussion, nobody remembers that I’m still a Mother grieving the loss of her child.

These days, I feel like I walk through life knowing that most of the people I encounter don’t think about how I’ve lost a child. I feel like I wear it on my sleeve 24/7 (because I feel it in my heart 24/7), but it really does go unnoticed most days. It must feel like it happened so long ago to many people. In one week, it will be 8 months. That seems like an eternity and just yesterday all at the same time. But, it certainly seems like it’s enough time that it doesn’t register for people I see on an everyday basis.

I can see it in reactions when I bring up Vivienne in conversation. In the days, weeks, and months after she died, I could bring her up or talk about my grief because it was so fresh. I’ve noticed lately that when I mention Vivienne or being sad, there is a bit of a head jerk—people will still talk about her, but it’s almost a surprise that I’ve brought it up. It wasn’t part of what they were thinking when the conversation started, and so when I bring her up, it seems to startle them a bit. To everyone’s credit, they recover and go with the flow, but I know what just happened. They didn’t necessarily forget that I lost a child, but it wasn’t even remotely on their mind while they were talking to me.

I know that people have their own lives, their own struggles, and what’s happening with Gordon and me is most important only to us. I don’t expect anyone else to spend each of their days thinking about what we’ve lost. But I also don’t want people to think that somehow enough time has passed that they no longer need to be sensitive to what happened to us. I will always grieve for Vivienne, and there will always be triggers for my pain. And mostly, I don’t want anyone to forget about Vivienne. If she were an 8 month old baby, people would remember her. Instead, she’s been gone for 8 months, and it seems so easy for people to forget.