Getting What You Deserve

Over the past few months, as we experience loss after loss, we’ve had many people say to us “you deserve for something good to happen.” There’s certainly an element of feeling that we’ve paid our dues. At the same time, I have a hard time feeling like that entitles us to something good. We didn’t deserve the bad things that happened to us, so how does that make us deserving of good?

I've spent many, many days since losing Vivienne and the 3 babies after her asking “why us?” Lately, I’ve started asking “why not us?” I don’t think any one of us has done anything to deserve such horrible things, but I also don’t think we’ve done anything that makes us immune from tragedy. It would seem that bad things have to happen, and they can happen to any of us, and none of us would deserve them.

We’ve been through a lot that we don’t deserve. Holding our much loved, and much wanted daughter while she died. Three consequent pregnancies that brought much fear and worry, with only sadness in the end. And with our latest pregnancy requiring surgery, I’d say that’s a pretty full load of bad things we don’t deserve. But does it mean that now we've earned some good?

I’ve struggled a lot with the randomness of the universe that I believe to be behind all of our losses. I’ve seen some amazing women and families be put through hell, while seeing many people who we could call “not deserving” get everything they wish for and more.  I can only chalk that up to the universe being completely random. If good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people, how else can I see it?

There are many aspects of religion that teach us that God has complete control – we are living out a plan that we don’t understand and God is giving us everything we need, whether we know it or not. I’ve written before about how I don’t believe this anymore, and with each blow we take, I become more resistant at putting this all at God’s feet. I don’t blame Him, because I don’t think He’s responsible. I think God is giving me strength that I never even imagined I had (otherwise, I don’t know how I’m surviving this), but I don’t think He is DOING this to my family. The randomness in the universe has given us some very unlucky hands, and God is helping us to survive them.

I’ve had a very hard time coming to terms with this. In a sense, it feels sacriligeous because it violates some tenants of religion that are seared into my brain. Accepting that it doesn’t work the way I was taught as a child has been very hard to overcome. It’s also been hard to accept that life is, in many ways, random. You can do good things and live a good life and still draw the worst hand. So, what’s the incentive to do good?

I’ve come to accept that the reward for a well-lived life comes in the afterlife. While we may be punished on this earth for doing nothing wrong, I believe that the reward and justice comes when we get to heaven. I have to believe that this is where God does have complete control and the good people receive their just reward. Honestly, this is what gets me through the day most of the time. I’ve learned the hard way that this life isn’t fair. I have to believe that there is good coming to us down the line – it just might be farther down the line than I’d like.