I Must Be Doing Something Wrong

Recently, I wrote about how I’ve stopped asking myself “why me?” I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself for getting to that point – to a place where I stopped asking why bad things kept happening to me. Lately, I’ve been consumed with another question, and it was disheartening to realize that the question is just a variation on the “why me?” theme. I can’t seem to escape it, and it’s always running through my head.

What am I doing wrong?

It happens every time I see a pregnant woman or a baby. Every time a friend or acquaintance announces her pregnancy. And every time I see happy baby pictures. What am I doing wrong that having a living child constantly slips away from me? What am I doing wrong that I don’t get these happy moments that everyone else does and that I want more than anything?

I should state that, logically, I know that I’m not doing anything wrong. I get great medical care. I research and read. I continue to do everything I know to do to get a happy outcome. And yet, it still does not seem to be enough.

I recently returned from a work trip to Chicago. I flew into Midway and took the el to/from my hotel downtown. For any of you that have taken the orange line in Chicago, you know that it is inevitable that you will see many teenage mothers or very young women with multiple children. I had a physical reaction each time I saw one. It took a few instances before I recognized what it was. It wasn’t anger, jealousy, or sadness (although, I did feel all of these things). What I felt was shame. I wondered how a 16 year old with little means could have a healthy pregnancy and child and I couldn’t. What was I doing that was so wrong?

There must be something I can’t see or recognize that makes this keeps happening, right? I must be doing something wrong and just can’t figure it out. I’ve received lots of unsolicited advice on this topic. Stop trying so hard (I’m pretty sure that not trying will not result in a pregnancy, just saying). Stop stressing and just relax (my personal favorite – this one really does tell me that I am responsible, and if I could just calm down, everything would turn out differently).  Even well intentioned people tell me what they think I’m doing wrong in an effort to help. They must ask themselves the same question “what is she doing wrong?” We all want a solid, logical explanation that doesn’t exist.

My doctors, who are among the best in the state, are kind of stumped. All of the tests (and I’ve had MANY, MANY tests) indicate there is nothing that should cause any problems. For the most part, my losses are completely unrelated. “Unfortunately, you just come out on the bad side of the odds” our doctor recently told us. From a medical perspective, we are doing all of the right things. And still, here we are.

I’m at a loss on what to do with this question. I certainly don’t want to feel ashamed for doing nothing wrong, but I really can’t escape it. Much like everyone else, I want to fix what’s wrong. And in order to fix it, you need to find out what to fix. So when doctors tell you that there’s nothing wrong, how do you not believe that it must be something that you’re doing? It’s not intentional, but it’s there nonetheless. I must be doing something wrong. I don’t know how else to explain it. 

I’m not asking for any of you to answer this question of what I’m doing wrong – trust me, I have thought long and hard about it. I don’t have any answers, but I still keep torturing myself with the question.