In Between Days

I sit here today sandwiched between 2 days. Yesterday was the day that ended our 4^th pregnancy, in a way we weren’t expecting. And tomorrow will be 1 year since we found out we were having a girl. I have so many emotions swirling through my head that it’s hard to sort through them all.

Just 2 weeks ago, I wrote about our latest pregnancy ending in miscarriage. That process did not go as the doctors had hoped, and we found out last Friday that with increasing levels (that were supposed to be going down to 0) the doctors were “concerned” and the pregnancy could still be tubal/ectopic. We rushed to the doctor’s office that day for more (rather painful) tests that were still inconclusive. We were sent home with the warning signs of ectopic, once again.

 We’d been through this terror before, but it is still horrific every time. Each pain, each possibility of a symptom making you wonder whether you should go to the hospital, wondering whether there is internal bleeding, and ultimately wondering if it will kill you. Every pang made me wonder whether I was ignoring something important – will I regret not going to the hospital? Is this it? I counted down the hours til my appointment on Monday, when I knew I was, at the very least, safely with doctors.

Monday morning finally came, after what felt like a weekend that went on forever (which normally, I’d be happy about). We anxiously waited for the results and got the call we both expected and dreaded. “Your levels went up. We’re scheduling you for surgery this afternoon.” As we counted down the hours til surgery, I was still very much on edge. I was convinced that my tube would rupture while I waited for surgery.

I’d been fasting since the night before, and my surgery wasn’t scheduled until 3:00. I was exhausted (you can imagine that we didn’t get much sleep over the weekend), I was hungry, and I was terrified. I reached my breaking point while they tried to put in my IV. Because I was so dehydrated, it took 3 very painful attempts to get an IV into my “tiny disappearing veins.” On the 3^rd attempt, I burst into tears and could not stop. It had built up for days and burst in front of the anesthesiologist and nurses.

The surgery was successful, and we were very lucky. They found a pregnancy in my right tube, and it was causing the tube to bulge. For them, that makes it easy to find. For me, it makes me realize how close we were to a tragedy. They were able to remove the pregnancy and save my tube, which is the best outcome we could hope for.

In the end, all I can feel is relief. I’m relieved that the days of every pain terrorizing me are over. This results in guilt, of course, because it still means a baby lost. I should be sad and mourning this child, and instead all I can feel is the ability to breathe returning.

And now I focus on tomorrow, where 1 year ago, in an unexpected ultrasound, our doctor proclaimed “your daughter is perfect!” When that day started, we had no idea the turn of events that would take place.

The day began with a call from the doctor with the results from my 2^nd trimester quad screen, where they check for chromosomal issues. Most of the results were good, but I could only hear 1 thing, “we have a positive for Down’s Syndrome.” It immediately knocked the wind out of me. To the doctor, this meant that the odds of our baby having Down’s were higher than my age would predict (and my age already gives us bad odds). They wanted me in for an ultrasound that same day to look for any physical markers. As we drove to the doctor’s office, I wondered to Gordon whether they’d tell us boy/girl, and he said “don’t be greedy, Tracey.” He was right, healthy baby was most important.

The doctor looked for all physical markers and found nothing of concern. At the end of the appointment, he told us our daughter was perfect. We could not have been happier – our baby was healthy, and we could now plan for our baby girl.

And so here I sit – sandwiched between a very bad day with an outcome of relief and guilt and a day with a beautiful memory that in hindsight is so bittersweet. I’m juggling a lot of emotions between these 2 days. I feel pulled in 2 directions trying to remember and honor 2 children lost under very different circumstances.