My Favorite Days

Since we lost Vivienne, I have to say that there aren’t a lot of times of the year that I love. I don’t look forward to the holidays like I used to.  Her birthday is a day to celebrate her, but the days before her birthday are really hard days. And while there are only a few times of the year that I dread, there aren’t a lot of times of the year that I look forward to.

Right now is pretty much that one time. This is a special time for me and the path I walk as the Mom to an angel. In my everyday life, I don’t get to be a Mom in any traditional sense. And it’s difficult to find ways to parent a child who needs nothing from you. This time right now brings together the special ways I can be a parent to my daughter. And I have already come to look forward to this time.

On Saturday, I went to my second Mother’s Day tea. Let’s be honest, Mother’s Day is not a holiday made for me and my situation. Losing a child makes the holiday complicated enough, but adding infertility to the equation makes it an incredibly painful day. Each year, a Mother’s Day tea is held at a local bereavement center we’ve attended for counseling. The tea is to recognize the mothers of children who are carried only in their hearts and won’t be there to help celebrate the day. We talk, we cry, we make something to remember our children. It’s becoming one of my favorite events, because it’s a Mother’s Day recognition that is made for me and my situation.

On Sunday, we had our second March for Babies walk. This has become a cause that Gordon and I are very passionate about. Vivienne died because she was premature. There was nothing else wrong with her. So an organization that researches and fights for premature babies is right up our alley. In getting involved with and fundraising for the March of Dimes, our daughter has purpose. We can do something good in her name and help other families not have to experience what we have. This year, we had 25 people on our team walking as part of Vivienne’s Volunteers. They all gave and raised money in Vivienne’s memory and then walked with us through rain and wind. Our team raised a phenomenal $6,230! Fundraising and doing the walk is all about Vivienne. We remember her all of the time, and we love to see when other people do too.

And lastly is our garden. Last spring, we planted a garden for Vivienne. We took great care in selecting the right plants and flowers for the space, and Gordon spent many days digging, tilling up the dirt, and getting it ready for planting. We are not green thumb people, and so we weren’t sure whether we’d be able to make the garden prosper, but we sure tried. All last summer, when I wanted to be with Vivienne, I went to her garden. It was the most weed free, well watered and cared for space in our yard. The flowers and plants didn’t get very far last year, as they developed their root system, and we weren’t sure how they would come back this year.

A few weeks ago, Vivienne’s garden started to come back. Despite our lack of skills, it looks like every plant is coming back this year (some better than others, but so far, we haven’t lost any), and some are blooming already. The plants survived, are on their way back, and we even have flowers already. I get that space back that is full of life and beauty to honor my daughter. I get to weed and care for her garden again, which is as close as I can get to caring for her. It’s one of my favorite spaces, and this is the time of year when I get that space back.

And so I’m trying to focus right now on being in my favorite time of year. I know it doesn’t last forever, so I’m doing my very best to soak it in and filling up the reserves for the down times of the year. If you need me, I’ll be in the garden.