What If?

In the weeks and months after Vivienne died, it was easy for me to become consumed with all of the what-if’s that surrounded her birth and death. What if I had gotten to the doctor or hospital sooner. What if I had screamed and raised holy hell insisting on being examined sooner. What if they had been able to hold off delivery for just a few weeks. All of these what-if’s, wondering whether doing one thing differently would have led to a better outcome.

I still have those moments where the what-if’s overcome me and can’t be stopped. I try to tell myself that we did the best that we could with the information we had at the time. We never knew that something like this could happen, so how could we be responsible for knowing how to navigate it? But that doesn’t mean that we won’t ask the questions. We will always wonder, and we will always regret.

The what-if’s are getting the best of me again. Our latest news that I won’t be able to carry another child has brought them flooding back. With hindsight, I can see what an absolute miracle Vivienne was for us. If any one of those what-if’s had worked out differently, our lives would be so very different today.

For months now, I have thought about what our life would be like if I could get a do-over on just one of those what-if’s. Wondering where we’d be today if she had lived. It’s a bit of mental torture, but one that can’t really be helped. Would we still live in our house? (we had planned to move to another neighborhood) Would we be at the jobs we are now? (Gordon changed jobs after she died. Mine stayed the same) Would we be trying for another child?

Now that we’ve survived bad news after bad news in our journey to have another child, I also have to think through everything else that was taken from us with Vivienne. If any of those what-if’s had gone differently, I wouldn’t have had the D&C’s after she was born. I wouldn’t have developed the scar tissue. My lining wouldn’t be permanently damaged. And I’d be able to carry another child. When we lost Vivienne, we felt like we’d lost everything. As it turns out, we lost much more than we ever could have expected.

It took me a while, but I stopped searching for a reason for Vivienne’s death some time ago. But I do still wonder why all of this has happened to us – why we continue to have more barriers put in our way, and why we’re on the receiving end of seemingly endless bad news. I know there are lots of people who want there to be a reason all of this is happening – trust me, I do too. But I can’t find one that feels right. Many of the loss Moms that I know who have gone on to have their rainbow child tell me that they can now see that the child they lost made the ultimate sacrifice so that the children they had after them could be here. I’ve held on to that sentiment – feeling in my heart that this might be the reason that felt right to me someday.

It’s almost 2 years later, and I’m still trying to hold on to that idea. It’s the only “reason” I think I’ll ever be able to live with. And I still hope that will be the case. Until then, though, I wonder what if, and if only.