Am I Really A Mother?

This Sunday is Mother’s Day, and I’m not really sure what to do about that. I am a mother without a child, and I’ve come to realize that I sit between 2 groups—the Moms and the Non Moms. So for someone who doesn’t quite fit into the Mom group, you can see how Mother’s Day would be the most dreaded day of the year.

In a lot of ways, my husband and I operate as our non-parent friends do. It’s easy for us to make plans, we don’t have to think about getting a babysitter, our sleep isn’t disrupted by a fussy baby, and we’re not tuning into Baby Einstein or Disney Channel. Our lifestyle is that of non-parents.

But, we are parents. We have a child, she just isn’t here with us. So that makes me a Mom, right? But I’m a Mom who can’t participate in playgroups or child-rearing discussions. A Mom who can’t give parenting advice from personal experience. A Mom whose child will never call her Mom. I feel a bit like an imposter in this Mom group, like I’m a Mom by technicality only. I’m a Mom who just can’t feel like Mother’s Day is for her.

Last year, my husband gave me my first Mother’s Day card. We must have been about 8 weeks pregnant at the time, and our thinking was that it was the first of many Mother’s Days to celebrate. But this year, there will be no Mother’s Day celebration at our house. It feels like a day for the real Moms, not the ones who are technically Moms, but don’t really feel like one.

I desperately try to identify with my Mom friends because I want so much to be a member of that group. But, I never really feel like I’m allowed to. I can’t really relate to their struggles as Moms, because I don’t have them myself, and to be honest, each of their struggles sounds like a blessing to me.

Everyone tells me that I am a Mom, and if I’m being honest, it always makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I think because it always feels like I’m posing as a Mom, but I don’t really qualify for this label in the traditional sense. I’ve had a few precious moments where I’ve felt like a Mom, but not enough that I feel comfortable calling myself a Mother. In my daily life, I operate much like a non parent would, a grieving parent, but really a non parent. If I don’t feel much like a Mom on an everyday basis, it’s hard to consider myself one.

Mother’s Day really validates this feeling for me. I’m a Mother who can’t celebrate Mother’s Day, so what does that say about my “Mom-ness”? This Sunday, there will be no expressions of gratitude for all I do as a mother to my child. There will be no handmade drawings or crafts to receive from my daughter. No declarations of “this day is for you!” There will certainly be tears and probably a lot of feeling that I’m supposed to celebrate a holiday not intended for me. Delivering my daughter gave me the title of Mom. Losing her makes me feel like it was taken away. I can easily say that I have a daughter or that I’m Vivienne’s Mom, but if someone asked me if I am a Mom, I don’t think I’d know how to respond.