Milestones

I’ve had to pass a few milestones since Vivienne died. The 19^th of every month is a bit like a milestone—each one representing one month further from the time I held my daughter. We passed Thanksgiving, which was difficult because of its family focus. Then we hit our due date, which began the time we thought we’d have her with us. Immediately after that was Christmas. We did everything we could to incorporate her into our Christmas traditions, as did our families. The day was hard, but it was easier because she was a part of it. But of all of the milestones we’ve passed, the hardest so far was Mother’s Day.

The day alone was actually not so bad. Gordon and I made an agreement to shut ourselves off from the world. I knew it would be too hard to be around all of the happy mothers celebrating with their living children. I didn’t go to church, where I’m all too familiar with the ritual of having the mothers stand up to be recognized. What do you do when you can neither sit nor stand? So, we stayed home for the day. We did some work in the yard where I was visited by a butterfly that sat by me while I did my work. I never doubted for a second that this was a message from my little girl in heaven—flying by to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. I made Gordon come look at the butterfly, watched it fly from plant to plant and around me, took pictures of it, and yes, I talked to it (I’m sure my neighbors think I’ve lost it). It was as close as I’ll get to my daughter paying me a visit, and it made Mother’s Day a little easier.

While I can tell you that the day of Mother’s Day wasn’t so bad, I cannot say the same for the build up to that day. I’ve heard many loss moms warn me that the build up to a big day is often worse than the actual day, and for Mother’s Day this year, that couldn’t be more true.

It started on Monday. I was in a really bad mood—no good reason why, and no explanation for it. I was just grouchy. On Tuesday, I could not stop crying. This was when I realized that Mother’s Day was affecting me more than I knew. I felt this way for the rest of the week. The week leading up to Mother’s Day felt like I’d taken a hundred steps back. I felt like I was right back to the day we lost her—the grief and the sadness felt just as raw and just as fresh. Once again, I laid in bed, crying and telling God that I couldn’t do it. I was back into the feeling of not knowing how I would ever survive losing her.

On Sunday, that feeling lifted a bit, and things have gotten a little easier each day since. But, I have to admit, I’m a bit haunted by last week. It was a reminder of how far I’ve come in the last 9 months, and how far a milestone can make me fall. Knowing that the anticipation of a day can send me right back to the weeks immediately after August 19^th and that I can feel those feelings just like I did in those early days is something that was a bit unexpected. If Mother’s Day can cause those feelings, I can only imagine what her birthday will do. It’s 3 months away. That’s an anticipation that’s been building for a while, and I know it will last longer than a week.