Loss Parent Parenting

I’ve written and talked a lot about how unbearably difficult it is to lose a child. Lately, I’ve been coming to terms with how difficult it is to parent a child you’ve lost. I know that must sound strange. People may recognize that I have a daughter, but they don’t see how I still want to be her Mom. I don’t struggle with a child not sleeping through the night or late night feedings (I can tell you that I’d give anything to have those). I’m not trying to discipline or teach my child right from wrong. But I still want to feel like her Mother and like I’m doing something for her. That is so hard when she’s not here.

This weekend, I got to feel like Vivienne’s Mother. It made for the best weekend I’ve had since we lost her. From start to finish, this weekend was about Vivienne and being her Mom.

Saturday, I spent with my “tribe.” It was me and my fellow Loss Moms all day long. First, coffee with a friend where we talked about our children and our struggles. That’s what Moms do, right? Not that often when your child is in heaven. After that, I went to a Mother’s Day Tea at Cornerstone of Hope (a local bereavement center where we did an Infant Loss support group/workshop for 10 weeks). It was an occasion to recognize all of us as Mothers, the special bond we share, and to remember the children we miss so much. Again, it was women at a luncheon talking about their children and their struggles. It gave me the opportunity to talk about Vivienne like any Mom would talk about her child. Later in the afternoon, I got together with a couple of other Loss Moms to have some food and watch some Friends. It sounds so simple, but it’s kind of like a playgroup of sorts, only your children get together to play in heaven while their Moms watch their shows. These are all of the things that Moms with living children do all of the time. But when your child is gone, you don’t quite fit into these Mom gatherings, unless they are with your tribe of Loss Moms. There, you’re a Mom just like everyone else.

Sunday, we did the March for Babies Walk for the March of Dimes. It was like a big event just for Vivienne. When people have a baby, there is usually a series of events for her—meeting the Grandparents, coming home from the hospital, meeting the friends, a baptism, and all of those events leading up to the first birthday. We’ve had 1 for Vivienne—her memorial. Sunday, we got to celebrate her. We all wore her special t-shirts, and took pictures of her special star. Sunday was Vivienne’s big event—a celebration of what she’s meant to all of us. And seeing how her life has touched so many people—there could be no prouder Mom moment.

Sunday afternoon, we planted her garden. We’ve been preparing for it for a while—Gordon digging up a place for it in the yard, and getting it ready to plant. Picking out the flowers and plants and deciding how we’d lay them out. And with a nice afternoon out, we decided that yesterday was the time to plant. So out we went to dig the holes, plant the flowers, then mulch and water the garden. Getting on our knees and doing the dirty work of parenting. We don’t get many chances to do that, but yesterday, we got into the mess of it and did something together for our daughter.

And now I’m struggling with how to keep that feeling. Not every weekend will have a tea, a walk, or a garden to plant. We’ll have a garden to tend to for the summer, and I can imagine it will be the most weed-free, well watered garden I’ve ever had. These are the things you have to find to be a parent to your child when your child isn’t here.