The Fall

Earlier this week, I wrote about my parenting high. An entire weekend of feeling like Vivienne’s Mom, which isn’t something I get to feel very often. As the week wore on, I prepared myself for the fall from this high. I don’t get to keep doing things as Vivienne’s Mom, and so I knew the feeling would end. And yesterday, in a way that I didn’t quite expect, it happened.

I took a half day off from work to spend some time with my husband. On my way home from the office, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up our weekly grocery supply. As I drove from the office to the grocery store, I felt this overwhelming sadness. It was one of those times where you can feel the emotion sit at the top of your throat, and you’re not sure how to hold it back or even breathe. I couldn’t figure out why it was happening at that very moment—I was just driving my car to the grocery store.

And then it hit me. It was a warm and sunny day, around noon on a Friday. I was leaving work to go to the grocery store and head home. It took some time for this to seep into my consciousness, but I was having a flashback. The last time I left work for a half day Friday, on a warm and sunny day, going to the grocery store before heading home was Friday, August 19. The day Vivienne was born.

I can remember exactly what I wore that day. I can still see myself driving my car, singing songs from the radio to her and talking to her in my belly. I remember being at the grocery store and one of the women passing out samples telling me that it would be good for the baby too. I remember the pressure and bits of pain that I felt that make me want to scream at August 19^th me “it’s labor, get to a hospital!”

Once I realized this was what had been building in my subconscious, it was all I could do to hold back the emotion so I could drive my car. On the surface, it’s such a silly association to make, but it was very strong for me. It stuck with me for most of the afternoon. I was repeating the last day I had with her, and to say it made me sad is an understatement. There really aren’t any words for that feeling. In reality, that was the last day I could really do anything for her directly. And yesterday served as a reminder that I couldn’t any more.

All of that just driving my car to the grocery store.